Nothing screams of intimacy more than the scattered pieces one leaves in their wake. There are so many moments that long to be touched, caressed, loved. There is so much truth and honesty in those moments, even ones filled with lies and deceit. There is so much loss.
Looking at my own past, I can see where it all began. Family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, potential lovers that I never dared to seek a bond of intimacy, they've all been left behind like so many dead flowers. I never thought much of it before, but it speaks clearly of me. I'm the kind of person that leaves things behind easily when I'm not finding what I need in them. More often than not, I leave them out of fear that I will find exactly what I need.
Isn't that how things go with life? One minute you're feeling like you're on the top of the world, the next you're falling through a window pane, hoping the fall won't be too far and you won't find your landing on shards of broken glass. There's never a place in between. There's never a place of peaceful calm, where everything just is. There's always something happening to slingshot us between one extreme and the other.
This is how I kind of feel with my own past. There are so many opportunities left behind. I can't even begin to count the regrets I've had in my past.
It all truly started with this girl. I had been laying across her lap while she delicately stroked my hair. This wasn't the first time we'd sat together like this, her sitting on the floor with me somehow draped across her. Her hands were always in my hair, stroking it gently, twisting it between her fingers, or sometimes just buried in the brown and gold locks. Each day I found myself wanting nothing more than to be close to her. We would sit there for hours. I would gaze up at her and she would look down at me now and again with a smile as we talked to our friends. It was so comfortable. It felt so right. I can't even begin to count the number of times I just wanted to sit up and kiss her, softly, delicately, innocently. I had imagined her lips being as soft as rose petals, caressing her ivory pale skin and entangling my fingers in her curly dark hair. My mind never wandered farther as my thoughts were always interrupted by our little party breaking up. I had felt the compelling desire to kiss a girl before her, but it was never like this. I'd even had a girlfriend, but it wasn't like this. With this girl, it was like an addiction. I needed her and I could never figure why.
Out of fear I let that opportunity slip away. It's one of the many marks in my book of opportunities missed, times when everything went utterly wrong. If only I hadn't been so afraid of my own emotions!
Just a couple years back I met another man. I honestly can't say what it was about him. When I met him I was quite irritated by him. He was a know-it-all kind of guy. He made me feel like an idiot, yet somehow he was always telling me how incredibly intelligent I was. He seemed to think I could somehow function on his level, though to this day I have my doubts. I can't say what it is about him. Perhaps it's his eyes. Perhaps it's the fact that I feel so safe when I'm in his arms. It feels right, like I've finally found my home. It's like somehow we're just meant to be together, and I don't understand it. A part of me thinks we'd kill each other were we ever in a relationship. I'd get sick of feeling like I wasn't smart enough for him. I'd hate being shown up by someone more brilliant than I am. Still, a part of me is drawn to him and wants nothing more than to be in his arms. I just don't get the magnetism, the sway he seems to hold over me.
It wasn't that long ago that I saw him with another woman. It came out not to long after that he was involved with her. I felt a sense of jealousy I couldn't explain. That woman wasn't good enough for him! She couldn't have him! He was supposed to be my knight in shining armor. He was supposed to rescue me, to whisk me off and keep me safe from the world. Don't ask me where all of that came from. At the time I didn't stop to think about it, but in hindsight, it does sound rather ridiculous. Even now, just the thought of me ends with this strange sensation that I want to call him no matter what time of night just to hear his voice and talk about things I only half understand. I want him to come visit and to hold me in his arms, complain that he doesn't like the new hair style, and otherwise prove to me how we're no match made in heaven, yet somehow make me realize that we're exactly what the other one needs. It's twisted and backwards, but somehow it all makes so much sense. I just wish I knew how!
Then there's the friend I spoke with tonight. He's the kind of guy who always keeps me smiling. No matter how grim things get, he can always cheer me up. When I'm depressed to the point I want to cry, I hate the world, and everything is gray, he comes out of nowhere saying some little thing or another that makes me want to hug him for being such a wonderful friend. He scares me more than I can admit. I can open up to him and show him who I truly am, but I'm also afraid it's all going to blow up in my face. I'm afraid all of that will be taking a trip down the rabbit hole that I can never return from. My whole world will become warped and strange.
These are the kinds of people that inspire me. These people are my story. Without them, my life would be a whole lot less confusing. I would know what I wanted and would perhaps have my happily ever after. These are the people who cause me to tear holes in my life, ripping free of the chains that hold me back, daring me to do something new and challenging.
Right now the door before me is open. Possibility waits at every turn. What will happen when I step beyond? Only time will tell.
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